I am used to people shooting me surreptitious looks when I eat socially. The double take when I have some cheese and biscuits, or wine is to be expected. As is the arched eyebrow when I decline the dessert menu because, no really, I am very full, thank you! And too, the flared nostrils when I go for the pancakes or waffles or hollandaise covered thing on the breakfast menu.
Because I live in a smaller body, my food choices have never been belittled or questioned or commented upon.
It made me feel pretty shitty about myself, so naturally I’m going to blog about it. #inspiration ?
It’s about cheesecake. Ohhh creamy dreamy cheesecake.
The issue is that I had more than 1 piece in a day. I’m not telling you how much I ate because thats #myfoodmybusiness and besides the point.
And the fact that I had had more than one slice in a day was apparently up for comment (s) by a family member.
This family member is on a diet, so made cheesecake so it would follow all the rules of their diet. They also (thank goodness) bought just regular ol cheesecake which for a store bought cheesecake was pretty good.
“Are you really having another piece of cheesecake?!”
was the comment after some very raised eyebrows and comments about my cheesecake consumption earlier in the day.
What a loaded question.
My heart start hammering.My thoughts race. Why is this too much cheesecake? I wonder. Are the trying to tell me something? Have they been monitoring my food intake? Do they think I’ve put on weight, is that why they are commenting? Are they going to comment on my weight now?
Lets just call it for what it is. Food shaming.
So what if I had more than 1 slice of cheesecake in the day.
Lets see what contributed to my decision to have more cheesecake.
1. its cheesecake.
2. I’m human
3. the slices did not have my ideal cheese to base ratio. meaning I had to eat more to get what I would call a good amount of the cheesecake filling.
4. I sat down to lunch realllllyyy hungry. which meant when I finished my main meal I was still really hungry.
5. the amount of cake that I ate, with the rest of my meal kept me going for hours. Had I stopped half way through I probably would of been scratching around for something to eat not long after. And probably would of eaten something to “keep my mind off” the cheesecake. And then probably would of had the cheesecake anyway. hellllooo overeating and that guilty feeling!
6. Dinner was light and I was still hungry. There was no bread in the house “ oh yeah, I forgot to tell you we ran out” says my fiancee (the other family members are not eating bread because – diet)
7. It’s cheesecake
And, last but not least, I was due to get my period. Which meant I was feeling all out of sorts. I naturally eat more calorie dense foods right before my period. I don’t know whether my body is seeking some extra calories or comfort but I roll with it. I eat as much as I feel that I need to be eating right before my period, without judgement. Without judgement, I also notice that I tend to eat less and gravitate towards lighter options right after my period. So guess what. It all evens out in the end. Naturally. Without me trying to manipulate or control my food choices.
What I did do at lunch was eat mindfully, pausing between slices to ask my self:
- Had I eaten enough overall to be full and satisfied?
- Had I eaten enough cheesecake to be satisfied?
- Did the cheesecake still taste good, like the first couple of bites? (who am I kidding, its cheesecake so it still tasted amazing)
What I also did, after my forbidden piece after dinner, was go for a walk even thought it was a bit too hot and I was a bit too tired. I tried to tell myself I wanted the fresh air but I if I’m honest I was compensating for that extra slice.
I’m human. I don’t always get it right.
I’m human. I don’t deserve to be shamed over my food choices. No one does.
I’m not pretending to know what food shaming feels like for people in larger bodies. People in larger bodies can experience this daily, with their food and weight up for comment.
What I’m trying to get at is, food shaming is never okay. Never. Do I have a solution that will magically solve this problem? No. But I’ll keep working on that.